Not Feeling Very "Yoga" Sometimes...

In the beginning of my journey to really understand the entirety of Yoga, I periodically struggled with some identity issues.  I had this image in my head that true yogi's should be calm, cheerful, happy, non judgemental, and blissful all the time. That was the true state of yoga that you had to achieve in order to teach or live a yogic life.   On the surface, it sure seemed like my favourite yoga teachers had it all together. They had the illusion of never getting angry or upset, they never passed judgement or had ill feelings towards themselves or others.  All my yoga teachers had this mystery glow, that seemed to emanate from within. I just couldn't figure out how they got it. I figured the more I practiced the postures and shut out negativity, that I would get the same glow. 

I struggled with this quite a bit.  I live for sarcasm and can be a bit cynical at times for the sake of
humour or a good joke. I am not stating that my cynicism defines me but I know if I turned into a joyous, blissful person with not an ounce of comical negative thought at any time, my friends wouldn't recognize me anymore.  I wanted to go down the yogic path and still remain true to myself at the same time. 


Through my teachings, I learnt that the postures were not the only things that were going to give me that inner glow.  Yes a good Ardha Matsyendrasana would increase my circulation and give my skin a boost but it wasn't going to give me that true inner peace I was on the quest for. I struggled with the feeling of inadequacy because I just couldn't be "Yoga" all the time.

I signed up for a lecture on the history of Yoga with the Religion Professor, Douglas Brooks.  He wrote the book Poised for Grace, his interpreted text of the Bhagavad Gita enriched with Tantric Philosophy. He brought us through the history of yoga and how it got to be the postural yoga we know today.  Being a serious intellect and quite the cynic himself, I found myself really drawn to his point of view. 

He said something that resonated with me a lot on the last day. He said that yoga isn't about shutting off negative emotions.  There are negative things that happen all over the world and if you pretend they don't exist and repress them, you are in for more trouble than the negative emotion itself. Yoga is about ENGAGING in all the emotions the world has to offer.  Yoga is feeling the good and feeling the bad.  You, as a human, are equipped to have a wide range of emotions.  So repressing a negative emotion isn't being human.  So when negative feelings come up, engage in them, find out why you have them.  Have a conversation with them.  That is how you find the answers.

I found this statement opened a huge door for me.  I realized that there were two kinds of cynical emotions that I was having.  Ones for humour and a good laugh and ones that were real negative emotions that I was dealing with inside that I was quickly passing off as a joke.  The ones of me teasing myself for being a total klutz and how do I even get to work sometimes can be passed off as joke for sure.  The ones were I berate myself for who I am as a person or the body I live in are emotions I need to have conversations with. They are much more than just a laughable joke even through I try to pass them off as such.

Negative feelings I sometimes have towards strangers I become impatient with, resentment towards people from my past and even people in my present are all things that yoga teaches me to have conversations with. Dig deeper. Just as we can dig deeper in a yoga posture, we can dig deeper into the emotions that swirl around in our head. 

I found it deeply moving to know that I didn't need to repress or avoid negative feelings anymore. I am human and the wide range of emotions I carry is what makes me so.  There is reason why a negative emotion; anger, jealousy, annoyance, resentment, sticks around a lot longer than a positive thought....because our mind WANTS us to engage in them. Emotions are there to help you. Negative emotions are stronger because they require more conversation with yourself to sort through them. Once you have sorted through them, you can then easily let them go.  If you ignore them, the universe will keep sending them to you until you do.

As I continue along the yogic path, I find it much easier to be less burdened by negative thoughts or emotions. I now welcome them and I welcome the conversation I have them.  They lead to self discovery about who you are as a person and the people you interact with.  I think the awareness and less guilt towards the wide range of emotions I experience is part of the glow I was so fond of.

Yoga is so much more than just postures and touching your toes. The postures are representations of who can be outside of the mat. If you let it in, Yoga can touch every single part of your life.

Namaste xo.